Mom's Happy Hideaway

For me, even the thought of going back to work and leaving my son with someone other than ME brought me to tears. It devastated me. As my first work day back slowly approached, I found my mind racing with horrible thoughts. The pain of being away from him already started to weigh heavy in my heart. And somehow I could not believe that this was happening to me. I always knew I would have to go back to work. Staying home was just not an option for us. We just bought a new house and were in the middle of a fairly expensive renovation. Not to mention all of the other expenses that go along with life and having a baby. So, when I say that I couldn’t believe this was happening to me…well I couldn’t…but I should have. It must be the hormones haha!!

I literally told myself at least 100 times a day that I can’t do this, I can’t leave him! But, no matter how hard I thought about how terrible it would be going back to work, that day came anyway. Shock had officially set in. Of course I didn’t sleep the night before, not for lack of effort. In a way I think I may have been trying to slow down time. With my bags packed for the day I anxiously awaited the arrival of our nanny. See my post about the working breastfeeding/pumping mommy Pumping At Work and The Essentials ) As my husband left I avoided eye contact for fear that I would break down, drop to the floor, and beg to stay home. I couldn’t even look at our nanny when she arrived. As I left, she calmly told be “it will be ok.”

Driving to work, I watched the baby monitor at every red light and stop sign. My work day basically consisted of watching the monitor and giving people huge smiles and reassurance that it was great to be back at work. Who was I fooling?! It was terrible!! On my third day back to work it hit! The shock had worn off and reality set in that I would have to continue to leave him everyday. Tears filled my morning! Leaving my son was sure to kill me. So I decided to try to chant positive reasons for working everyday going forward. Working would help to provide him with a great life, leaving him with a nanny allows him to socialize with someone other than mom and dad, and student loans don’t just disappear. Those are the only things that I could come up with…

Ultimately, working is still not worth it to me. But I have slowly come to terms with it and feel a little less panic and pain when I leave. I wish everyday that I could stay home with him! He needs his mommy! The reality is, I need him more than he needs me. As my husband reminds me, he is fine, and he is. He does great at home and our nanny is amazing! If it wasn’t for her I don’t know how I would have made it through the worst part about being a mom..leaving your baby! He is home and he is safe. That doesn’t make it any easier to put your adult pants on every morning.

The beautiful attachment of a mom and her baby is so strong. So it has to be normal to feel like your world is crashing down when you have to leave your little one to go back to work. Why can’t we all get 1 year maternity leave? Come on America, get with the program 🙂